A Night at Cooking School

The chef is on the right. The mirror above him gives a clear view of the action.

"It's only going to be as good as you make it," said Chef Jean Pierre as he dumped more scoops of sugar from a large mixing bowl into the rice-and-white-chocolate-pudding brulee.

The granules of sugar continued to cavalierly swoosh their way into the mixture like the sands of an hourglass rushing through time as the chef emphasized how important it is to "measure carefully."

Ricky and I were invited by friends to attend an evening at Chef Jean Pierre's Cooking School in Fort Lauderdale. The schooling part consisted of watching and listening to the expert chef  explain his way through preparation of a fabulous meal while his assistant stirred risotto. And stirred risotto. And stirred risotto. We in the "class" then got to eat everything.

Some people asked questions and took notes on the handouts of the recipes. I was not one of those people. Under even the best of circumstances, I am a terrible cook, and this evening consisted of continuous wine drinking for us "students," causing me not to be in my best learning mode. Though I was extremely happy.

As I tried my hardest to concentrate between sips of wine and the distraction of the helper chef still stirring the risotto and stirring the risotto and stirring the risotto, here's what I learned:

• Apparently you're supposed to taste things as you're cooking! Taste, add sugar, taste, add sugar. (But why would I want to taste food before it's done? Fascinating!)

• The type of vanilla that people generally buy at the grocery store is a crime against humanity. We should all only use Tahitian vanilla.

• There is something called butcher twine that holds meat together when you cook it. (Because sometimes meat needs to be held together when you cook it! Fascinating!)

• Margarine is also a crime against humanity. ("You want to eat plastic? Eat margarine," quoth the chef.)

• And the most profound statement of the night: "You are only as good as the ingredients you're using." (I love the philosophical nature of this!)

Balsamic vinegar in the adjacent store.

The whole evening was a lesson in life: It's only going to be as good as you make it; and you're only as good as the ingredients you're using.

I want to carelessly dump pounds of sugar into the mixture of my life! I want to make my life fabulous -- just like the filet mignon in wild mushroom and port wine sauce and the double-baked potato I got to eat.

I may not know what to do with the Tahitian vanilla or how to use the butcher twine, but I learned a life lesson, and I ate a delicious meal.

And I know I'm never, ever going to make risotto.

The Exit Interview

Wherein I interview myself about why I am leaving teaching.

Q:  What are you going to do?

A:   I don’t know yet.

Q:   So you’re retiring.

A:   No, I am not retiring.

Q:  Then why are you leaving?

A:  Partly because I am just ready to do something different, and partly because I think our nation’s current education policies are sucking the soul out of teachers, students and, well, civilized society in general.

Q:  Hmm. Interesting. Well, what would you like to do next?

A:  I’d like to be Tina Fey, but, unfortunately, Tina Fey is already doing that job. So instead I would like to find a position where I can use my two best skills: writing and compulsively organizing. Here, let me straighten your collar for you. It’s curled up a little on the end.

Q:  Thank you. So are you saying you’re a Type A personality?

A:  Yes, I would say that’s accurate.

Q:  That means doing nothing would not really work for you.

A:  Well, for a couple of months I can vacation and then reorganize my already compulsively organized home, but then I will definitely need new employment.

Q:  So if people hear of a job for a compulsively organized person with excellent writing skills, they should give you a call?

A:  Absolutely!

Zayn did not retire!

I am leaving teaching. Might this be a midlife crisis? Perhaps. If so, I could be like everyone else and get a sports car or a new husband, but I don't care about cars and I already have the best husband. So change of career it is. However, there has a been a reaction to my leaving teaching that I didn't expect: everyone keeps congratulating me on MY RETIREMENT.

Zayn Malik

I am not RETIRING. That would mean I'm an old person. The whole point of having a midlife crisis is avoiding having people think you are an old person. Zayn Malik just left One Direction. Is anyone congratulating Zayn on HIS RETIREMENT? No, I didn't think so.

In all fairness, when people ask me what I'm doing next, I say I don't know. But I will do something. I will have some other form of employment after I have my gap year (or maybe gap months). College students get to have a gap year and no one congratulates them on THEIR RETIREMENT. Also, I haven't heard what Zayn is planning to do next. Solo career? Producing? You know what? Leave Zayn alone. He's thinking about it, okay? Just like I am.

Lenny Kravitz

Yes, I realize Zayn is 22, and I'm...not 22. But I am not old enough to retire either! I am in the middle. Hence the term: midlife. I am the same age as Lenny Kravitz. He wears leather pants and sings rock music.

To those of you sending good wishes, Zayn and I thank you. And as soon as we each figure out what we're doing, we'll let you know.