The Art of Driving in Miami

We didn't realize Art Basel in Miami had started already. That was our big miscalculation. It actually hadn't officially started yet, but there were pre-parties and pre-openings for the VIPs. And apparently, the same way everyone in Lake Wobegon is above average, everyone at Art Basel is a VIP.

We were just trying to get to the Heat game, and traffic was backed up everywhere. As an added challenge, every single highway in the Greater Miami area is under construction at the same time, and then when we tried to avoid that by heading into the downtown local traffic, there were people swarming art galleries that had appeared out of nowhere next to dilapidated storefronts. Colorful walls and draperies and twinkly lights adorned the mish-mosh of buildings while white-shirted valets stood next to propped up signs letting the glitterati know where to park.

If you want to drive in Miami, you should be required to have a different level of drivers license. Requirements: at least five years prior driving experience, and perhaps a stress test. The license could be called Premium Level Drivers License or Platinum License, Titanium License, or even Handcrafted License. License Plus!

That's because driving in Miami is a challenge of the highest level and only for the brave. It's very different than even in places like Manhattan or L.A., because in those places the traffic doesn't let you build up any impressive speed. In Miami, however, you hum along on a series of highways at an average of 80 mph, until you get to something called the Golden Glades Interchange. This place, where you will come to a complete stop at pretty much any time of day, is quite the misnomer, because it is neither golden nor in the Everglades nor allowing for any interchanging, especially of lanes.

But say you make it through the Golden Glades and you're going 80 again. You will soon encounter road signs that not only don't help guide you, but that actually create confusion even if you know where you are going. Sometimes a car will just stop in the middle of the highway while the driver tries to figure out which is the magic lane for him. You would think this was mess enough, but then the DOT decided to improve I-95 by adding express lanes. Now, they did not do this by actually adding more road space. No. Instead they took the two left lanes and sectioned them off from the rest of the road by adding...poles. Just imagine bumper cars, and you've got the idea.

Fortunately for me, I had the Human GPS driving, and he was in one of his primary, preprogrammed, comfort territories. But even he was having difficulties! Our first route was backed up, so he recalculated. Then that way was backed up, too! But, after dodging traffic and poles and a guy on a motorcycle with a sidecar (Yes, for real!) and homeless people and hucksters and fancy-assed art people and valets and confused people stopped in the middle of the road, Ricky got us to the Heat game in time.

And then the Heat lost to the Pistons in a really ugly game. But the giveaway was a team poster, so we left Miami with our own piece of art. That was very VIP of us.